3.4.07

[13 Hours and 1 Minute since my last Outburst]
A shocker.

Reading what others write makes me realize.
And it sends a sudden and painful surge coursing through my body, making my blood do weird things - I can't describe what's happening; my fingers turn cold, and my skin tingles, my breathing slows, even typing and thinking trying to form accurate words to express what I am failing to say...

It's already April. The fourth month of the year. Second semester of my final year in high school. final. no more high school. literally this month and next month before school ends. and a this week is a break. I graduate May 31, 2007.
All the literature reviews, literature projects, calculus practice exams, advanced placement exams - all schoolwork won't matter by the 31st. I will be a certified graduated student. it doesn't matter if I fail everything else in school. the only credits I need in order to graduate are the 5 from AP Literature, and all I'll have to do is maintain a C.

I'm taking eight classes this year. Eight. Water Polo conditioning. wtf? I'm not going to be going to the school, let alone playing for the team. Why do I go? Astronomy? Some bullshit class with little excuse for science. I took it so it would count as my science class. I am required to take a science class. magnet student. maggot student. AP literature? It's a fine class when we don't have giant literature reports to write, and bullshit some stuff for senior project update. fuck, I still haven't done any honest work for that thing. It's due soon. AP calculus? again, as a maggot student, I am required to take a math class. better than AP statistics? I've no idea. I've gotten so lazy in that class. I haven't done any of those practice exams. another due when we go back to school. will I do it? I dunno. Orchestra. A fun class with fun people. I love orchestra people. not all of them - there are some immature losers in there, but everyone ignores them. after lunch I'm a teacher assistant for the assitant theatre director. and 6th period is dance choreography. I should just drop out of both classes and go home after lunch. the school play is over. it was fun, and I loved it, and I loved the cast and crew and Ms. T and Mrs. M., but it's over. time to do nothing. dance show in may? whatever. swimming. swimming at five o'clock in the morning, five times a week. ooh, when I start going to club swimming practice everyday for an hour, I'll only have to show up to 5am practice twice a week. me, a team captain. I love swimming. I love my team. my co-captains? not so much. they're a bunch of assoles.

why am I trying?? why the fuck do I care so much about school???

And before I'm done with school, there's prom. okay. good times. party.

when I graduate, I'll have two days to sit and think about college before I'm on a flight to europe. what a summer. it'll be great. think about NOTHING except what is happening then. don't even think about college.

college? I am all for Hawaii right now. Hawaii.. expensive place to live, but I think I need that environment for me to grow up. really grow up.
I'm leaving for arizona in a few, after ma mère gets off her ass and into the shower. then we'll wait for her to get dressed and ready, and maybe, MAYBE we'll finally pile into the car for the long drive.
if I was to say right this moment, as I am typing this, that I don't want to go to arizona, I'm going to Hawaii, I think my mother will kill me.
it'll be fine to tell her after this week is over. she and my dad seem to want me to go there.

but where ever I go, I'll be alone. isolated from my friends. my friends here in CA. I love so many people here. I love them. I love them in that I would honestly, truly, I swear to God - I swear to whatever I most believe in, that for those I love I would step in front of them and take a bullet for them. it's surprising how many people I know I would do that for. so many. it's amazing.
as I sit on a quilt laid out on my concrete floor in the living room, ants crawling around the floor and on the same quilt, and read the words my friends publish for everyone and anyone to read, I realize how much I will miss them. I didn't cry on my last night of performing MSND. my last high school play ever.
I will cry on graduation. no matter how many people I exchange contact information with, no matter how much we insist that we WILL see each other during the summer before we leave, no matter how much I tell them I love them, there will be so many people I will never see again after that night. we'll go to disneyland, come back in the morning, and I will never see some people ever again. I ache inside to realize this. I ache to know that I probably won't see so many people ever again, no matter how much I genuinely want to. what are the odds of me keeping close contact with Jamesy, Anna C, Anna H, Jamie, and Mikey??? slim to none. to sound repetitive, I LOVE these people so much. I got so close to them especially this year. They're all going to different places across the country. how can I see them again? why can't I see them again? the world is so large, our country alone so vast - so much to see, explore, and learn. I can be childish and wish with all my might for the world to be smaller just so I can see them as often as possible, but that wouldn't be fair.
I know I must keep in the closest contact possible with Michaele, Azia, and Sasan. I've already lost so much with Sasan, Kimberly, and Melissa! If I don't keep in touch with Michaele or Azia I will die. DIE.
And Wafa! And Shweta!!! I love these girls! My fellow sluts - as Jesse fondly calls us. Wafa is my soul mate, we've decided. She is too sweet. I love her to the death! Shweta?? She'll always be my Guildenstern!! We have this summer in Europe, but after?????
Amberine. Amberine. My favorie Thespian. I've known her since 9th grade swim team, and loved her since theatre and speech. She's going to Wisconsin!!! How can I possibly keep in touch with her THERE, if I barely get my chances to talk to her HERE, when we have these two months left??
Of course, there are my juniors. My lovely juniors that I'll miss so dearly, whom I grew so close to just this year. Samantha M - I love you. you're bubbly and fun. Ariel C - why is it only this year I figure out you were neighbors to Kim B????? ugh. life can mock us so. Anita B - again, another girl who I can't believe it took my this year to get so close to you! I love you. the hell with that loser. Catherine W - Godspeed, fair Helena! You are truly amazing and fun. forget boys. I love you all the while.

There are obviously, so many more people that I haven't mentioned. I'll stab myself when I realize who.
Realization.
So cruel.

No comments: