14.2.08

[6 Months and 12 Days since my last Outburst]
4 Years to the day.

Song listening to: "I've Just Seen A Face",
covered by Jim Sturgess, from the Motion Picture, "Across the Universe"


I've had this blog running for FOUR YEARS now.
crazy.
I bet if I went back and counted all the entries I made, it'd be a pathetic amount for one who has a blog for such a long time.

It's interesting that Valentine's Day was the date I decided to make this blog. Because it was the day of such a "remember-able" holiday, I think I'll always remember this blog's anniversary.

Yep, I still call this day "National Singles-Awareness Day".
It's just so dang catchy.

Now for a rant about V-day.

So, once again, I am celebrating this day without a romantic Valentine.

I say romantic because, technically, I have a Valentine - my great friend Jessica from NAU. She has a boyfriend, mind (Sean, who is an awesome kid I platonically love), but they're having their day on Friday instead because their Thursdays are quite busy. Instead, Jess and I have decided we're going to go see a movie together.
Problem is, although I love Sean, the fact that he suddenly wants to come to the movies with us because he wants to see "Jumper" and we're apparently going to see it, bothers me a bit.
He can have Jess on Friday. I'd like her as my Valentine, me n' her. humph.
But whatev. It's no big deal.

Anyhoo, no romantic Valentine to speak of, and I'm surrounded by relationships, couples, and people who happen to be fucking each other.
There's many of my friends here at NAU who are coupled, including: Olivia, Jess + Sean, Anthony, Eric, Carolina...and some more who aren't in my immediate clique I spend every moment with, but are my friends just the same...
And there are those from home as well: Michaele (if she's not with her boyfriend, she's off kissing someone else - goddess bless her), Azia, James, Anna h......well, there are enough of them.

Yes, there are those like myself who aren't "coupled", but one chooses not to acknowledge that when they're dwelling on how "alone" they are in the Romantic World.

And, I only think about it when I'm by myself in my room. I don't think about it any other time in the day (unless someone happens to bring it up). I have a grand ol' time with my buds, and I don't give it a thought. But when I do, I can't but feel sad and slightly depressed.

And then I get pissed at myself for thinking about it, feel pathetic.
I decided I want to write a song.
A type of screamo song, or just scream metal...
About how pathetic the modern world is because everyone thinks they need a fucking boyfriend or girlfriend when they're freaking eleven years old!!
GOD, I'm only eighteen years old. Theoretically, I've got "my whole life ahead of me", so why the hell should it matter?
Sure, treat every goddamn day like it's your last; as if you're actually going to die tomorrow *knock on wood*...
But, this is the countless time that I have felt like this since I've been frickin' eleven years old.

just...ugh..

Then there's the media/movies/songs/etc. that bellow their romantic theme so loud.
And I can't help but love every single one of them that do.

Like, "The Little Mermaid".
I saw a comment yesterday on DeviantArt by a user I do not know, but all credit goes to her.
"When I turned sixteen, the thing that freaked me out the most about my age wasn't the fact that I could drive. Wasn't the fact that I could legally have sexual relations. Wasn't the fact that I was one year closer to death.

It was the fact that I was the same age as Ariel was when she got married to Eric.

I am now nineteen. I have yet to get married like Ariel. DOES THIS MAKE ME A MIDDLE-AGED BAG OF SKIN?
I think Disney is suggesting... yes. Yes it does."

Now, this comment was made all in fun and laughs, but it definitely puts things in a new shiny box.

Even "The Jane Austen Book Club"!
I saw that movie over the weekend. Loved it. Made me want to read all of her books, not just "Pride and Prejudice" I read last year.
But in the end, everyone is paired up.
Even the middle-aged woman who had been married six times already.

I makes me want to pull my hair sometimes at the mixed signals I'm receiving - whether it's by media or my common sense trying to set me straight.

So say I do decide I'd like a relationship.
I had two opportunities last term alone.
-One guy scared me away.
-Another I lost because I didn't put much effort into anything.

I know relationships are not like the movies. At all, almost.
But I think the stupid naive and innocent part of my mind (lodged in somewhere by my fantastical imagination and my romantic bleeding heart) is keeping me from starting things if they aren't what they are telling me is perfect.

Dating is all about seeing what's out there and experimenting. Things do not have to be perfect, relationships and people grow with the experience. And it's not like I'm going to go and have sex with every person I end up dating, so why can't I fucking make things work??

erg.
and I know there methods to go out into the world and find those who may be looking for you too...
Like, sitting around, waiting, making myself not think about relationships so that things could happen when I'm least expecting it, and maybe a gorgeous person will fall into my lap and immediately like me and want to date me........does not work.
I know it. I tried that "method" all of middle school and high school with zilch for "effort".

So I tried something else last year.
I actually went up to someone.
Asked them to dance.
Talked to them.
Got their info eventually.
Talked some more.
Plucked up courage to ask him to Prom.
Still didn't work.
He liked my friend and co-star of the school play instead.

And then I did the flirty bit.
Last term, opportunity number 2.
Flirt, flirt, flirt.
Soon kissed.
Then I was an idiot and didn't do the extra work.
Apparently, he now has a girlfriend.
It's okay, I honestly don't mind.
The crush faded.
Now we're just awkward when we see one another. Joy.

It seems I found my own solution.
Play the flirty flute.
And be bold.
And don't back out.

Then again, I don't need a boyfriend or girlfriend.
I'm only eighteen, with years of my life to live, right?
What's the rush? We're so young.

Oh, the hypocrisy.

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