17.12.09


[13 Days since my Last Outburst]
My final entry.

I'm not okay.

When I say that I am, I'm lying. I can truly say that when you ask me how I am for the next month (at least) and I answer, "fine" "good" "okay" or "great" that I'm lying straight to your face. Even when I'm smiling right back at you, it won't be my genuine smile. It may seem like it is, but it's not.

It's not okay. Everything will not be fine. Things do not happen for a reason.

"Remember the name...remember any difference I've ever made in any of yours lives (if any)...and remember this dark face that you will see a little less often than you're used to. To everyone I've grown to love in the last 9 years of my life, you will be missed. Yade man Kon (remember me)." - Sasan Ahoraian

I have my ups and downs. I can relive my fondest memories with Sasmanjan, and smile...but there are moments when a jolt goes through me when something seemingly innocent triggers a long forgotten memory. They catch me unaware and unprepared.

I'm at the point that I do not cry during the day. I feel heartless when I watch my mom burst into tears or when another friend cries to me and I cannot cry with them. But I think it's because I've cried so much already and I feel as if me crying right along with them will not help at all. I save my crying for bedtime. The past two nights, I cuddle towards to corner of my bed (where it meets the wall), look up to the ceiling and talk to Sasan and sob.

I've known Sasan for 15 years. We met in kindergarten, as boy and girl of the day. I got a fuzzy lamb sticker and he got a power ranger sticker. I've always referred to him as my "best guy friend" to my other friends. (I've also referred to him as "Jan" in my past entries) I wouldn't see him for 9 months out of the year, but every summer was as if there had been no time in between.

He's been ripped away from our world and I'm not happy about it. It's not fair. I'm a whiny brat and my favorite toy has been taken away from me. But he wasn't a toy. He was my oldest and most loved teddy bear.

WHY HIM? WHY IS HE GONE? WHAT DID HE DO? WHAT DID I DO? IF THERE'S A GOD, WHY TAKE HIM OF ALL PEOPLE? DOESN'T GOD REALIZE HOW AMAZING A PERSON HE WAS? HE BELONGED ON EARTH WITH US SO THAT HE COULD MAKE THE WORLD BETTER. MAKE OUR LIVES BETTER.

Maybe God did realize how great he was. That's what my dad suggested to me. He and my mom aren't religious (dad is semi-jewish and mom was raised catholic but isn't sure "what's out there"), but he said that God must have realized how valuable Sasan was and wanted to be closer to him.
Well HOW COME YOU GET HIM, GOD? WE WEREN'T FINISHED YET.

Sasan has left his mother and father and sister. They aren't alone because there are plenty of people (including my own family) that will always be here for them, but they feel alone. Sasan has left his girlfriend too. She is not handling this well, and who can expect her to? He found true love and then he died. He was athletic, straight-A student, lifeguard, water polo and swim coach, pre-med at UCLA....there was SO MUCH MORE HE COULD DO. He wasn't finished, so why was he taken?

I've decided that I'm done with online blogging. No more xanga, no more blogger. No more posts. The friends I've made are free to contact me, but I will no longer write here. I'm buying a journal and keeping my thoughts to myself and my book. That's it. Thanks for the ride, it was a long and eventful journey. I love you all, even those I've never met. Have a wonderful, joyous life. Be well.

E-mail: cookyhobo@gmail.com
AIM: curious meh
Look up: "Tina Marie S" on facebook

Tina Marie S

No comments: